1. Happy hour is an opportunity to drink calories. Get two doctorates, one in food science and one in chemistry, and invent, market and distribute a calorie-free alcoholic beverage. 

2. Reduce the incidence of cellulite by asking friends and co-workers to refrain from looking at your arms and legs. 

3. After a big meal, get rid of the heavy feeling by going into outer space or going on a free-fall amusement park ride that simulates a feeling of weightlessness. 

4. Morning coffee can be an option for extra calories in creams and sweeteners. Pour a cup of dry coffee grounds and chew / suck them instead. 

5. Your social group can affect your eating habits. Make new friends who share your values by embracing a new identity and starting a new life in another state. 

6. Make junk food uncomfortable by eating only what you can cultivate at home. 

L7. You don't have to avoid your favorite snacks per se, but you really shouldn't eat them.

 8. Progress in weight loss can take a long time. To keep your morale in order, create a new time system where the month is just one week. See how much progress you make in just four months! 

9. Eating at night is associated with weight gain and should be avoided. Start wintering in Reykjavik, Iceland, where there is only a few hours of sunshine on a midsummer day. 

10. Find an excuse to engage more. For example, park further away from your destination, such as on a driveway or adjacent state line. 

11. The larger your grocery store cart or basket, the more food you buy. Replace your standard carriage with a clutch. 

12. Metabolism slows down as you age. Find a Wizard who can come up with a drink that will give him a drink Eternal youth. 

13. Most grocery stores are full of unhealthy snacks. Open your own Nationwide grocery chain. 

14. Emotional eating can lead to weight gain. Do not eat when you are actively experiencing emotions. 

15. Constant stress is associated with weight gain. Get rid of the constant cycle of melancholy and boredom that is full of acute suffering that is a daily existence by moving to a temperate, quiet, deserted and otherwise uninhabited place where you can focus your mental, spiritual, psychological and physical energy to reduce stress . . 

Of course, don't do any of these because a) they are bananas and are not meant to be taken seriously, and b) the only thing you need to do to get your body ready for the beach is to apply sunscreen.